Loving the Turtle Spider

Mary has challenged us in so many ways regarding the tension between showing compassion and the love of Christ alongside our limitations in resources (e.g. energy, time and emotional support) we can provide her. It has been my experience that whenever I have been around someone that exhibits overt and continual neediness without the ability, desire or understanding to meet their own needs, it is like walking through a cob web. You know you are wrapped in this sticky spider's web and you feel mad at yourself for not paying more attention and protecting yourself from walking right into it. Even when you walk away and you frantically try and remove it, it stays with you. Therefore, it is easy to be moved into the position of assessing others who are overtly needy and trying to protect yourself from walking into their web...just avoid them, not look them in the eye when you walk past them or just be plain rude. I have experienced giving all three of these responses in the past.

So, the question has been for us, how is it that we are to love Mary with the love of Christ and protect ourselves from "bottoming out" with our resources? In no way am I implying that this is not still a work in progress for us, but we have had to evaluate what we can give and how we can give to Mary without reaching our limit. It has also been my experience that when I reach my limit, more often then not, pride, bitterness and anger begin to build in my heart as others continue to exhibit their pattern of neediness. It is like the cob web, the anger is often with myself for not being more attentive, but it is more easily expressed at the spider (e.g. "man, I hate spiders!"). The spider is just doing what it does and yet I would smoosh it if I could at that moment. How unfair and full of what I like to call russ-o-centric philosophy. Sure, I am talking about the spider, but I am also talking about Mary, and others. How many times have I thought about wanting to scream at someone to "leave me alone", and worse, when I just want to introvert into my own problems, wounds, and neediness? I mean, the nerve of someone else to not be attentive to my needs and wants after all that I have tried to give them (if you are in relationships with others, you most certainly know what I am talking about).

Mary has challenged us to be free to say "no" or give freely as we see God as the One that is providing Mary's every need, somehow or another. We have concluded that the rule in which we will try and maintain with Mary is that if we don't or wouldn't do it to in our family, then we won't do it for Mary. For example, we don't impulsively eat out for meals, so when Mary has asked for a meal, or we want to provide her a meal, we will bring her what we have eaten, we won't get fast food or buy her something extra. We offer what we have and if she doesn't want it, she can freely say so without consequence. We also are able to tell Mary how we feel about some of her choices and allow her to be where she is without trying to condemn her for it. This is how we can drop her off at the Wendy's parking lot after church knowing that she does not have enough money yet for her hotel and pray for her while also inviting her to tell us if she needs a ride to church that night. We have gotten more comfortable with not feeling guilty for the consequences that she must face and not feeling compelled to try and rescue her or change her. It has resulted in freedom to love her and remain open to helping her in ways that God has given us the ability to help her. It is a work in progress, and we are thankful to God, and Mary, for challenging us in this way...even if we do walk into cob webs occasionally.

saying No

This is always uncomfortable for me.... saying No and not feeling like I need to explain myself.

Haven't heard from Mary in a few days. The weather here is terribly cold and I assumed she had found respite in a shelter. But low and behold, the Motel 6 number pops up in my cell phone this afternoon....turtle has resurfaced!! :) She proceeds to hand me her rationale on why she had to visit this "friend" of hers and see if she could help him out. I just listened, trying hard not to give my opinion. Then Mary asked me if I could help her out with bringing her dinner tonight. This is where the No came in. I was at the library with the girls and was heading home to cook dinner. With the weather, I didn't want to get back out after getting home. So I told her I wouldn't be able to help. At first I thought I should go in to explaining why I didn't want to come, then thought maybe I should remind her why she was with no money (just kidding...although I wanted too ), then decided I could just say No. No explanations, no reasons, just No! And although she initially reacted disappointed, we were able to have a decent conversation afterwards. So, life lesson learned today......you can say No with no need to explain yourself!! :)

always watching...always learning

Since the beginning of our relationship with Mary, we have always included our children. Sometimes by circumstance in that they are with us, but always in prayer. We have intentionally prayed nightly for Mary.

Sunday morning both girls wanted to braid their hair. (something their mother is TERRIBLE at doing) I asked Olivia why she wanted it braided and she commented that she wanted it to look like Mary's. Mary has long hair that she typically wears in a braid down her back.

The other day we were driving past the motel that Mary likes to stay at when she has the money. Nettie quickly stated, "Look mom, we're passing Mary's motel!" I chuckled to myself as I thought about how much our children learn just by being with and around us!

Never Ceasing to Amaze Me

There are many life lessons I have already learned from my relationship with Mary, and as time allows, I hope to record more of them, but for now here is Sunday's lesson learned....

It was a difficult day for me with Mary. Having been away for the holidays, it had been almost 2 weeks since we last saw her. We picked her up at her usual Motel and brought her with us to church. She seemed more irritable than usual and somewhat agitated. She got upset by a few things our pastor said during the sermon and just wanted to argue. After church, we dropped her off at her usual Sunday afternoon drop off spot. It is so crazy to me that our children now find it normal to drop Mary off in the Wendy's parking lot every Sunday afternoon...backpacks and all. As we dropped her off, Russ asked her if she wanted to leave all her bags with us so she wouldn't have to carry them around. Her response was, "They help me. I was complaining about it once and someone told me everyone had their cross to bear...and this one is mine." Ugh...this really rubbed Russ and I the wrong way!

Well, so she calls us within 2 hours so excited. She proceeds to tell me how she sat down on the curbside and just hung her head in prayer. A woman approached her and asked her what she needed. She told her food and money for her motel room. The lady provided both. Mary just repeated over and over how God knows what she needs and he is always faithful to provide. Can't argue with that!!!

So that evening she asked if we could run through the McDonald's parking lot for her to get some food. Russ clearly stated that we weren't in a position to buy the food for her but would be glad to drive her through the drive through. And actually he ended up parking and letting her go in (partly due to the long drive through line, but partly so he wouldn't get stuck in a bind if she ordered more than she had the money to pay for). So, as Mary is in the McDonald's, I am in the car griping about the day with her then low and behold, she comes to the car with a full grin and hands both the girls a happy meal toy SHE HAS BOUGHT FOR THEM. Seriously!!!!! This women has no money for food or shelter, yet she just bought my children happy meal toys!!! I understand that there are some seriously lacking judgement/decision making issues going on, but Mary's heart is amazing. She is continually looking out for ways to bring joy to others. What an incredible trait!!!

The Turtle "Surfaced"

She 'surfaced' in our lives Labor Day weekend 2009 in the parking lot of Lowe's in Jackson, MS. She seemed to appear out of nowhere. She shuffled up to the driver door window wringing her hands, slightly looking down to the ground as she mumbled clearly enough to make out, "excuse me, I'm homeless and I'm looking for something to eat, could you help me?" Initially, my first thought, which I verbalized quietly, was "oh Lord, have mercy." You might think this was a moment of humble, selfless request, but it was more honestly spoken out of frustration and inconvenience for being "bothered" on a simple outing to the store. You see, we were going to buy paint in order to pretty up the hallway of our house. This was no time to be confronted with the harsh realities of neediness, want and desperation. Though, after the initial shock wore off, and my assessment was made that Mary was hardly a threat to me, my wife, Rachel, or my two little daughters, I asked Rachel to move to the back and Mary to hop in. She stepped in with her tattered, men's blue jeans, moving slowly, long braided brown hair and her white, faded T-shirt. She looked embarrassed as she barely made eye contact and repeatedly said, "thank yuh" in her country like twang. Torn with the thoughts of knowing that quite possibly what she was looking for (e.g. food) was not what she was really looking for (e.g. God) in her journey, I attempted to share the good news of Christ as we made our way to the local Popeyes chicken.

We bought her a meal and invited her to meet us at church the following Wednesday for another meal. We prayed together, and after she stepped back onto the street, our family continued to pray that she would take us up on our offer. At that time, fresh on my mind was the book, "God in the Alley" by Greg Paul. I remember feeling excited about the potential adventure, and glory, of taking someone in that in the world's eyes had very little value, and loving on them and aiding them in the transformation of self-pity and hopelessness to feeling valued and confident. After all, maybe no one had ever given Mary a real chance, no one had shown her the dignity and respect that is inherent in her DNA. Maybe it was that simple, and with these opportunities she would blossom into a beautiful flower. I immediately felt guilty after dropping her off that we did not offer to take her with us for the rest of the afternoon, or bring her to our house with us. However, in hindsight, I believe that at that time, what happened was exactly what we were prepared for.
We continued to pray in our nightly family prayer time for Mary that she would show up that Wednesday at church. Much to our delight, Mary was there waiting for us that Wednesday. We sat and ate and then introduced Mary to whoever was interested in meeting her, in which there were many. It was like in a way sitting with a celebrity (not that I really know what that feels like), having so many people come up and introduce themselves. Mary had caught the bus to make it there, but had no way of making it back to the hotel that she had collected enough money to stay in that night. We happily told her that we would drop her off afterwards, which we did.

This was the start of our relationship with Mary. Little did we know that a simple meal would lead to several months later where God has and continues to use Mary to confront our desires for comfort, lack of faith, stereotypes and partiality towards others, while also teaching us lessons about His unrelenting love, great faithfulness and all satisfying joy. We hope this blog reflects these lessons in order to bring you along with us and Mary.